Harry Potter and the Ancient Random Babblings
by Mrs. Norris1
Summary: Mambo the Little Fireplace Man delivers the prophecy that will rid Harry of that ebil ebil Voldie forever! But can he find its secret message? Warning: INSANE


Ok, who needs being normal

Ok, who needs being normal? I have three normal fics started (just so you know, they're called _Harry Potter and the Song of the Phoenix_, _The Many Moods of Malfoy_, and _Sirius_). I am just SICK of being normal! Blargh! I spit on being normal! P'tooie! I'm back and I'm random! Here's some random Harry Potter babbling for your reading pleasure!

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Harry Potter and the Ancient Random Babblings

"Hmmmm" said Harry one night in the Common Room. "This is very odd. We're halfway through the year and nothing suspicious has happened yet."

Ron and Hermione nodded in agreement. It had been an incredibly boring day. Snape had gotten his head stuck in his cauldron (is that how you spell it? I really don't like that word. Cauldron. CAULdron. CAULDron. CauldRON. Oh, umyeah!) and Neville had bitten his tongue and it had bled all over the floor in the Great Hall. This night was no exception to the boringness.

As usual, these three were the only ones left awake. Then, while Ron was yawning, something suddenly happened. A small man walked out of the fireplace (which just happened to have a fire in it). 

He was dressed in a lovely little skirt/blouse ensemble with matching bandana. He had a very squeaky voice which said, "Hello. I am Mambo, the Little Fireplace Man."

Harry rushed forward and exclaimed, "Oh my! So pleased to meet you sir, of course, I've read all about you in _Hogwarts: A History_!"

"Hey," said Hermione huffily. "That's my line!"

Harry quickly apologized, then Hermione rushed forward and exclaimed, "Oh my! So pleased to meet you sir, of course, I've read all about you in _Hogwarts: A History_!"

"Hey," said Ron huffily. "That's my line!"

Hermione and Harry looked at him strangely. "No it's not," said Harry.

"Oh," said Ron as he sank down into a chair disappointedly. 

"So Mambo, what brings you here?" asked Harry curiously, who, growing up a muggle, had never seen a Little Fireplace Man before.

"Oh Harry! Something exciting must be happening!" Hermione yelled happily. "A Little Fireplace Man appears only when he must inform people of a prophecy or some other exciting news! Tell us, Mambo, please do!"

The squeaky voice said, "Oh yes, yes! I bring you this happy piece of paper! Tis the Ancient Random Babblings! That bad Voldie thing is back and Harry Potter he is wanting to kill! The Ancient Random Babblings hold the key to beating that bad Voldie thing! Good luck to Harry and friends! My Little Pony! My Little Pony!"

Mambo ran around the room several times singing the _My Little Pony_ theme song, then ran straight back into the roaring flames of the fire. 

"Oh," said Ron again. 

"Harry! How exciting! See, I told you Little Fireplace Men always bring exciting news!" Hermione cried, jumping up and down. She suddenly turned into a canary then turned back again for no reason, but no one seemed to notice.

"Yes, but what does it all mean?" Harry wondered out loud. The piece of paper held nothing but random babblings, though no one could figure out why. I mean, it was called the Ancient Random Babblings! Harry stared at the paper. It said:

__

The Ancient Random Babblings

Cats in the morning, pigeons in the evening, macaroni and Bob at supper time. How many times must, I, tell sneeze. Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin fingers? Cheese dance in the summer's light, oh so lovely, oh so pight. Pight thee well and Pight thee good, Pight thee with a piece of wood. Could you elaborate further? Smelly cantankerous old raccoons with a dead apple. Maybe I will, maybe I gumball. Do you think it's hot in here? Just look at the thermometer, it's got welts all over it and they are purple like the rain. No, I am not the artist formerly known as Supercalifragilisticexpialladocious. Pigs with straight tails, my, my, I've never seen such an oddity. Throw the stinkin' frisbee, will you, woman?! By the way, my name is Find you in the Moonlight if you Like Dog Biscuits and Even if you Don't so go Eat That Old Sycamore Tree if you Dare. And she turned, her velvety black hair swirled behind her. I never knew how I would miss that gorgeous mass of glistening locks. You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.

"Hmmmmm," said Ron, who was now looking over Harry's shoulder at the paper.

"Oh my gosh!" Hermione screamed suddenly.

"What? What?" Ron and Harry said together.

"That's my favorite show!"

"Huh?"

"_The Weakest Link_, stupid."

"Huh?"

"Never mind."

"So what does all this mean?" Harry said at last.

"It means," said Hermione with a vicious glint in her eye. "We go to the LIBRARY!"

"Why?" asked Ron.

"Can't you just leave me alone for once Ron? Just because you don't understand everything doesn't mean you're better than me. I'll show you, I'll show them all! Mother said I couldn't have a dog, well mother's wrong! You're all wrong!" Hermione screamed and bounded, sobbing, from the room.

"Yes, well, let's get cracking!" said Ron, rubbing his hands together.

The two friends stayed up all night, poring over the odd piece of paper. When the sun eventually came up the next morning, the boys had discoveredabsolutely nothing.

Hermione was back to her usual self at breakfast (or as usual she could be).

Harry and Ron were discussing the Ancient Random Babblings. 

"Could it be in code?" suggested Ron hopefully.

"Naw," said Harry. "I think it's in some foreign language."

"Cat urine," said Hermione through a large mouthful of scrambled eggs.

"Pardon?" asked Ron curiously.

Hermione swallowed her eggs then repeated more clearly, "Cat urine."

Ron and Harry looked at Hermione with their jaws open, obviously thinking she had cracked.

Smiling, she explained, "Cat urine is highly acidic. When you write with it, it is invisible unless viewed under a blacklight.

Ron, who was, of course, very stupid and didn't understand muggle things said, "Well, where are we gonna get one of those watcha-ma-bobs?"

Harry looked at Ron as if he were some kind of really dumb animal, like a starfish. "Ron, everyone carries blacklights. What are you, stupid?" (Ron is sooooo fun to pick on!)

Harry pulled out three blacklights from his secret stash in his robes: a small one, a larger one, and a long, skinny one.

Hermione chose the long one and stuck her wand up the end of it.

"_Minka Binka boonus_!" she shouted, and the blacklight went on. Though it emitted an odd purplish glow, no one seemed to notice. Fred put his cereal bowl on his head and said, "I am the laughing walrus. Nank!" 

(Have you ever noticed that if there are two similar characters in a book, you usually like one better than the other? For example, I, for some reason, like Fred better than George. I also hate Goyle more than Crabbe. Don't ask me why. Maybe it's just me. Never mindcontinue reading!)

Holding up the Ancient Rambling Babblings up to the light, Harry and Ron realized Hermione had been right. The cat urine shone bright on the back of the paper. 

The note now read: "I am the happy spink. Yell at me or die! HAHAHAHAHA! Finkle ree. To kill the bad Voldish thing, yell spink' three times. That's right, say, Spink! Spink! Spink!' He will not drop dead yet though. He will try to say the Avada Kedavra curse, but spinking' prevents him from doing so. You can then kill him by the Starrius Fishus' curse. It will turn him into a starfish and he will eventually be left to dry out and die a long, horrible death. SO GO TRY IT!"

"Oh," said Hermione softly. "I had been thinking of doing that for years but I never actually thought it would work."

Ron and Harry exchanged yeah right' glances. But their intense glancing was interrupted by a thunderous boom in the middle of the Great Hall. Voldemort!

There were dozens of loud screams and a terrible, villainous cackling issued from Voldie's ugly, hippo-shaped mouth (Yes, It is shaped like a hippo).

Dumbledore drew out his wand, but he saw that Harry, Ron, and Hermione were already face-to-face with Voldie, their own wands out. He decided to leave it up to them and would step in if it got dirty. 

"Well, if it isn't my old friends. Carpy Lotter, Hercat Grant, and Mickey Rooney!" he cackled evilly.

"Um, Mr. Voldie, um, sir" said Ron, trembling. "Those aren't our names!" he finished boldly.

"Well my name's not Voldie, now, is it?" He said angrily. "And I don't really care, because I am going to smash you into oblivion in about oh," Voldie pulled up a sleeve and glanced at his watch, "Three and a half minutes. Yes, that should be enough."

"That's about all it took for me to kill you off last time," muttered Harry.

Voldie growled. Hermione got the feeling that he was about to attack very soon, so she raised her wand and her friends followed suit. Then, as if they could read each other's minds, they yelled at the same time, "SPINK! SPINK! SPINK!"

Voldie had lost his voice. He clutched his throat, trying to speak, but he simply could not.

"A larangitis curse would have sufficed, I'm guessing," said Ron.

"That has a counter, stupid," said Hermione gruffly. "Shall we finish this off please?" She obviously didn't approve of human torture. The three smiled at each other, Dumbledore winked, and they roared in unison, "_STARRIUS FISHIUS_!" 

Voldie began to slowly shrivel up until he was small and cute and pink and was a starfish. The entire Great Hall erupted into great cheers; even some of the Slytherins were clapping. 

The three friends were beaming in the center of the room. No one noticed that someone had timidly entered the room. No one noticed that the stranger had picked Voldie up off the floor and sneaked off through the door. No one knew that he had put the small creature in a tank of water to be preserved

"I am a starfish," Gilderoy Lockhart said quietly and happily to his friend in the tank. "I am a starfish."

Did you enjoy reading that? Because I really enjoyed writing it. I am now overflowing with insane fic ideas. It's just great! Expect a lot more from me now! Please read all my other ficspweeeease? Thanks! I love ya! Oh yeahReview! No flames! And I looooove email! :^ )


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